Rediscovery of a Cock
by Lou Sanfillipo, IPSA Certified Surrogate Partner
When people mention soft cocks, my mind always jumps straight to Dan. Dan was an older guy, but not old by any means. He survived prostate cancer and was seeking help in reconnecting with his sexual self, particularly in space with a partner. It had been ten years since the last time he had sex and now, sans prostate, being naked with a partner meant explaining his ostomy bag. It would take an injection (directly into the shaft of his penis!) as well as the use of a penis pump to get an erection. It isn't surprising that the thought of intimacy was very overwhelming to Dan.
This is where I come in. A Surrogate Partner is just that, a stand-in partner, to provide a safe and slow experience of partnership. When someone's anxiety, trauma, or other personal struggles are such a barrier to approaching intimate partnership that even the typical intro steps to dating feel unfathomable, getting safe and supported wins under the belt is really key to rebuilding hope and vision of what is possible. Surrogate Partner Therapy is always done in full collaboration with a therapist so that clients have the support they need to process all of the "aha" moments and the grief and the fear that inevitably comes up.
Dan and I took it slow, spending hours and hours of session time on getting comfortable sharing space and reacclimating to casual affectionate touch. We connected easily right away. Dan has a fabulous sense of humor and an incredibly kind heart. Eventually, months into working together, Dan wanted to try penetrative intercourse. Our sweet and caring connection created the safe space for him to explain and share the experience of the injection and the pump. To keep the blood in his shaft once he achieved an erection he had to use an extremely tight cock ring that was quite uncomfortable. Part of him was so proud to have that erection. They hadn't taken everything after all. The experience of having intercourse again for the first time was so profound for him. He was overwhelmed by the realization that he had been taken apart by surgeons and they were only concerned with healing him on the surface. We held each other tight that day and he knew what penetrative sex was for him at this point in his life. It was possible, but quite complicated both physically and emotionally. It was a very different kind of undertaking than it had ever been for him before.
As part of our work, I helped Dan to investigate a broader spectrum of sexual expression. Penetrative intercourse isn't the only option and although it had been Dan's go to for a long time, the landscape of his sexual self was changing. We engaged in a lot of play to find out what worked for this next chapter of Dan's sexual life. One day, I blindfolded him and provided him with a sensory extravaganza. Feathers, silk, chains, you name it. He was in bliss. He was getting a taste of an expanded experience of sex, inhabiting his sexual and sensual energy deliciously with another person without his dick needing to be hard.
Perhaps one of my favorite memories, Dan was feeling a bit bold and had requested some exploration of anal play. As a kinkster, this was well within my comfort zone and his therapist agreed that this was an excellent safe space for exploration so he could move into his next relationship with some base knowledge of what he likes. It was so magical, crafting these sublime and completely new experiences with him. Swirling his soft cock in my mouth while penetrating him with a finger and behold, a grand discovery.... Dan can have orgasms from anal penetration!
People often come to SPT with the goal of being fixed, but I am always upfront that my goal for them is to learn how to craft consensual, connected, satisfying intimate experiences with a partner regardless of what the intimacy looks like. By opening his mind and expanding his palate to new kinds of sexual connection, Dan was able to take himself to new realms of pleasure. Most importantly though, he was able to love his body and feel loved in his body, just the way it is.
Dedicated to Dan and to everyone on a journey of learning to love their soft cock.
